-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
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Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
incredible
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.