scenes of unspeakable carnage
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am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”