LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
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Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind