Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Before & after 😅
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come