Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
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And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….