A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.