when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
You Might Also Like
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Air pods looking like an angry frog
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think