“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.