Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
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That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Me: I donât think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of Ď
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. đ
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: âŚno
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! Itâs Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? Itâs a mask! And itâs not even leather. Itâs made of a face. They should call me âFacemask.â
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Husband: youâre in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i canât stand ice skating
me: youâll be able to with practice
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when sheâs supposed to be sleeping.
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they wonât find me
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what