A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
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Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO