I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
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At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Only a mother’s love …
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
LOOOOOOL
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.