[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Aaaa…CHOO!
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.