if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
You Might Also Like
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Do not levitate over flowers
shampoo implies shampee
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors