When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.