Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
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No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
This why you should mind your business
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
I want to meet the individual who made this
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*