Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
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I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Bout to have the best sleep of my life