Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
You Might Also Like
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL