Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
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Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Stop.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
you have three unread messages
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
…żyje?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.