The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
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My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”