Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
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[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
There’s no “u” in narcissist
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.