Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
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Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
I think I’ll stand
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Plant care tips
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out