Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Natty or not?
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.