Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
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“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
felt that
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary