Every time.
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I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I like crazy people until they notice me
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”