Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
PLOT TWIST:
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.