Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
You Might Also Like
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
lol
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Meow
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
everyone has that one prude friend