Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
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*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me