Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
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[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.