Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
is this a warning or an offer?
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency