I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
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I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.