Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.