I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
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I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see