[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
You Might Also Like
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.