I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
some Old Testament wisdom
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.