Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
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All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
who will stop them
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪