centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
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Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry