I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
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My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.