To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
im 7 sauces long
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Friday
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no