Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
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How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
I am patiently waiting for your email
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Me, in DM rooms…
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
Animal poetry
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us