Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
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Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Ken is short for chicken
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*