Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
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I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
dictator is short for richard potato
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.