Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk