{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
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I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week