necessity is the mother of invention
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
english majors be like furthermore
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
i will not be silenced
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus