When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
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Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.