*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go