Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
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[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.