Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
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nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!