I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
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me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”