Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
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I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.